A public bathroom rant

I may be really weird about this, but okay. I accept that. Here's the thing: I'm very particular about my public bathroom use. Like, NO, you are NOT allowed to engage me in conversation in the bathroom. Maybe after I'm done, but definitely not before. ESPECIALLY if we work together and you're about to hear me pee. I'd rather pretend we don't see each other and just go about our business. So if you say hi to me as I walk in the bathroom, don't be surprised if I say hi quickly (and, okay, probably awkwardly) and then dart into the nearest stall.

When I was a freshman in college, I couldn't even GO unless the whole bathroom was empty. I had to time my bowel movements based on the rest of the floor's class and sleep schedules, basically. It's not any weird neurosis (I think), I just had an extremely shy bladder. And pooper. I mean, I'd be dying to go, and then I'd go in the bathroom and someone would be there. And I'd say in my head "Screw it! I'm just going!" And I'd determinedly march into a stall, plunk myself down, and: nothing. NOTHING. Even though my bladder was about to BURST, everything below the waist would clamp down and refuse to do anything until the other girl left the bathroom.

It was a long first semester, I'll tell you what.

Eventually, of course, I adjusted to dorm life and using a public bathroom got easier. Now I can go if there are other people in there, but I prefer to pretend that I'm all alone. Hence the no talking rule.

But there are women here at work who talk to their friends in the bathroom. And not just while they're washing their hands. That would be okay. No, they're chatting away between stalls. AS THEY'RE PEEING. And it doesn't actually bother me, but it's hella strange. If I'm talking to someone as we're heading into the bathroom, please, please stop talking when we go into our stalls. NOW IS NOT THE TIME, okay?

And there are other bathroom behaviors that irritate the hell out of me. Like squatting. WHY. Why do women continue to squat in this modern era of toilet seat covers. I swear, sometimes I got to the bathroom here at work and it's like I'm at a rest stop on the New Jersey Turnpike, there's so much pee on the toilet seats. This is a professional place of business! Sit your butt down! I don't get paid enough to have to wipe your pee from the seat before I can go.

But this one may just top them all: EATING. Eating in a public restroom. Like, standing around, stuffing your face with something while people THREE FEET FROM YOU are flushing and launching vaporized poo into the air. WHY. Why would you do this. There is a cafeteria right down the hall, lady. HOW IS THAT NOT GOOD ENOUGH FOR YOU. Every once in a while, I walk into the bathroom to find a lady doing this, and I know I must be giving her a look of pure disgust, but I can't help it. First: my face is very expressive and I can't hide emotions very well. Second: It's DISGUSTING. So, sorry to be visibly judging you and whatever, but YOU'RE THE ONE EATING IN THE BATHROOM. So I think some judging is called for.

The end.